Trevor Hayley


Funeral and Life Memorial Celebrant

A Caring Presence for you and your family so you can Celebrate a Life

Servicing Greater Adelaide, Fleurieu, South Coast and Adelaide Hills Regions of South Australia



The ‘hole’ of grief – Is it time to let go?

The ‘Hole’ of Grief #6

Is it time to let go? But when I say “let go” it is probably not what you are thinking.

In this series ‘The Hole of  Grief’ , I have been delving into grief as it interacts with our innermost being. In my first post in the series ‘A new year…….gulp’ , I proposed, given we were at the start of a year, whether it was an opportunity to embrace ‘the hole’ of grief, and explore all it has for you.

In the second post in this series, ‘Looking into the grief hole’ I proposed in the hole, along with elements of dark, were also elements of light. In the third post ‘This could be what death looks like’ I delved into what the darkness of grief could look like, and with ‘Grief – is there any light?’  I delved into what the light of grief could look like. And last blog, I brough darkness and light together with ‘The hole of grief – Darkness and Light.’

I have said all through this series, I know we are all individuals and grieve in different ways, but it is accepted now, there will be grief when there is a loss. It is a natural part of our shared human experience. To this end, it is critical to well-being to explore grief, which I have likened to a ‘hole.’

So in a week’s time another anniversary is coming around. You do all you can to prepare yourself, but deep down you hate the day; it just seems to emphasise the loss and emptiness you are feeling. When your loved one was around, your anniversary was a magical day, but those days are gone. So what is the strategy? Just do the best you can, and breathe a sigh of relief when the day is over. Then there will just be the other days, birthdays, Christmas, which will conjure up similar feeling of dread. But still, you think, it is better to endure these days. To try and immerse yourself in any more grief experiences is just too much to bear, too scary to contemplate. And so you will hang on.

Maybe the answer is to let go. 

In this series, although we grieve in very individual and specific ways, I have suggested elements that may be waiting for you if you decide to let go, elements of dark, like emptiness and loneliness, but also elements of light, the precious memories, if you had your choice, you would have over again. To experience the love that was so unique to your journey. Maybe letting go is easier, knowing, to some extent, what is waiting for you.

Maybe the answer is to let go.

Not to let go of the person. After all, I believe you cannot just turn love off, it is too potent a force for that. No, not to let go of the person, because with this choice, maybe come unbearable guilt, and take you to places, grief is not meant to take you. 

The invitation is to let go of the agonising hold those special days, those days which were so special, have over you. Year after year they will continue to have that hold, unless you let go, and let yourself fall, or walk into the hole. Yes there will be darkness down there, but there will also be light.

Maybe the answer is to let go.

You may be asking at this point; “why would I want to do that?”

It is because grief is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced.

Then the question could be “that seems to much effort, what can I possibly gain?”

Maybe, just maybe, the intense loss you are feeling, will eventually become a part of your wider human experience. You will start to treasure the many magical moments you were able to share, and be thankful for the gift these moments, and your loved one were for you. There is no ‘letting go’ of the person here, just the intense feeling of not wanting to go into the grief hole. But until you do, it will always be there waiting, and you will use all of your energy to hold on, and not immerse yourself in the grief.

Just letting go, may sound overly simplistic. But there is a reason this stuff is so hard. The person was significant, and it is hard to even imagine they have gone.

But they have.

Your world has unfinished business with this very special aspect of your life, and so will demand you to let it take its course. It is time to let go, and embrace all the grief hole, both dark and light elements has for you.

This commentary in this blog is intended to be general in nature. It is just some observations from one fellow traveller in life to another. If anything in this blog raises issues for you, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or consult with a trusted medical professional.

Photo by Chaney Zimmerman on Unsplash


Trevor Hayley
Servicing Greater Adelaide and Regional South Australia

Phone: 0409 107 372


ABN 73 737 609 724

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