Grief is, because love is #19

 “Don’t ask me how I am feeling, as there is no feeling at all!”

This comment, made by me, internally, is not as a result of a death, but for something I have been invested in for over four years, needing to have a ‘pause’ whatever that means. You see the world has been taken by surprise by something which is much bigger than all of us, creeping up and demanding our undivided attention. The year is 2020, and after the devastating bushfires, we have this global pandemic called COVID-19. Drastic, decisions we thought we would never need to make, are having to be made.

As I got off the phone to my manager, after expressing my understanding, and also then being faced with people I would need to be sending home in a couple of days, this feeling of numbness set in. It is like a switch of some kind just silently turned off. I stared at the wall, transfixed at nothing in particular. Time had gone into slow motion, and any type of ‘feeling’ just left the room. This sensation was nothing I had ever felt before; in fact I felt nothing. I looked for some kind of context or feeling but nothing came to the surface.

I started to make some phone calls, my care and investment in these people needing me to do something. Although I needed to relay the message “not to come” and to express my profound and deep appreciation to the team of volunteers, there was still no context for me at that moment.

Just nothing.

Bringing this into the grief context, I have never had the death of a lifelong partner. There is nothing to compare, despite the individual grief journeys we go on, to the intense feeling of emptiness, losing a constant companion and partner in life. Yes I know the relationship will take on a new identity, as I believe you cannot turn love off, but nothing will make up for them not physically being there. But maybe there is numbness because the person was, and still is significant. Our brains, hearts, in fact the very essence of who we are, is doing its best to process.

Given how I feel now, although some sensation is coming back, would I choose not to lead this remarkeable group of people, knowing things often do not end up as we would hope. As I consider this question, and as each person’s face comes into my head, it is an overwhelming yes. Because you see, as a team, we were able to make a positive difference in their lives. Any time we become involved in something positive, this is it where treasured memories come from, and therefore become a part of our human existence.

No I don’t know how I feel. But that is Ok.

The commentary in this blog is intended to be general in nature. It is just some observations from one fellow traveller in life to another. If anything in this blog raises issues for you, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or consult with a trusted medical professional.

Photo by courtesy Photo by ÉMILE SÉGUIN ?? on Unsplash