Trevor Hayley


Funeral and Life Memorial Celebrant

A Caring Presence for you and your family so you can Celebrate a Life

Servicing Greater Adelaide, Fleurieu, South Coast and Adelaide Hills Regions of South Australia



Bonded Silence

Is anybody out there? #8

This blog continues on the series ‘Is there anybody out there?” Feel free to read the previous chapters here

You have been neighbours for twenty years. You noticed something was up, and you had plucked up the courage to go and visit your neighbour Molly. What was awkward silence, has become a friendly silence, and a very special bond has formed, with conversation going to very unexpected places.

You certainly did not expect, as one who was doing the listening, to be so inspired by the love Molly had for her husband, and the passion they had shared. In fact you did not expect that type of conversation at all, but sure enough, it had come out, leading you to create some ‘smoke’ of your own (please refer to the last couple of blogs in this series), and your marriage had certainly benefited.

Molly has been able to sleep in the bed she has shared with her husband, and had become swept away by the memories they had shared in those moments. Molly had also shared how daunted she was feeling about going through his stuff. You had suggested that perhaps this was an opportunity to get the family together. And you did notice, last weekend, a few cars out the front.

The time had come for the next porch session down at the cafe, and as was coming the habit now, you followed Molly down in your car. It was another nice day, you had been really lucky up until now. As you got out of the car, you could not help but be smiling. It had been a transformative week.

Molly took one look and smiled “Yes I could smell it!”

“Wow” is all you could say “What a special night it was, we will need to do it again, for sure!”

“What do you mean, again?” Molly ventured “There was an again?”

“Oh no. Just the once. It was beautiful, but also a bit strange. He was not completely engaged, and was holding back a little. Not sure why. I went to so much effort. But I did not want to push.”

“A question, and it is only because I care” eased in Molly “Have you seen passion as a cost to your time, or an enhancement to your time?”

This question pierced straight through your defences, and hit you smack right in the very centre. You had said previously you had not been devoting time to this part of your marriage. In fact night after night you had been putting your husband off.

“Ok” said Molly “Nothing needs to be said. But I may have an explanation if you like?”

“Yes OK, we have come this far. But be gentle.” The conversation had definitely changed focus.

The going through the stuff conversation will need to wait.

“I am thinking, maybe, perhaps, he does not trust you in this area. He is a little reluctant to give himself, because it may all come to a stop, and maybe he will feel worse, not better.”

You are starting to squirm now, but you are transfixed at the same time. You are starting to think this is a life changing conversation.

“Go on” is all you can say.

“Not much can be done about the past. But there certainly is hope, a lot of hope for the future.”

“Go on”

“This is going to be hard, but it will be worth it. First of all sit down with him, and if you are wanting to make changes, start by saying sorry. Sorry for not being passionate, and not wanting him. Promise it will be different. And with such an apology, follow it up with action.”

“Go on”

“He does love you?”

You just nod.

“Not aggressive?”

“No” you say.

“When he advances on you, and I am sure your husband wants to, fully embrace with him, and become lost in the moment. Every time. Eventually there will be a beautiful rhythm you will both enjoy. And as I found, life became invigorating. Passion, for us, was certainly on the beneficial side of the ledger. That is why the memories are so wonderful………… And be game.”

You just sit there. Now you need the silence.

Molly goes off and orders coffee.

‘Time for change. Real and lasting change. I have been foolish’ you start to think.

“I am sorry to push” says Molly “but it felt right to do so”

“No it is OK. I am just thinking how sad he must be about the whole thing. And I know it starts way before the bedroom. Want comes in all of my interactions with him. I just hope it will be OK.”

“If he loves you, and you are fully intent on this, it will be.” Molly smiles. “Next time I will tell you about going through the stuff.”

“And the camellia is looking lovely” you add.

As you walk back to the car, you call him up. “Do you think you can come home early?”

And for many hours you pour out your apology to him.

Once you start it is hard to stop. And for many hours you sit and chat, just like you did when you first met.

And for the first time, in a long time, you fell asleep in his arms.

This commentary in this blog is intended to be general in nature. It is just some observations from one fellow traveller in life to another. If anything in this blog raises issues for you, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or consult with a trusted medical professional.

Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash



Trevor Hayley
Servicing Greater Adelaide and Regional South Australia

Phone: 0409 107 372


ABN 73 737 609 724

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